The Snow Gauge

Running the rule over the ski & snowboard industry since 1995

Exclusive: Alta set to welcome snowboarders

Posted by on Nov 23, 2016 in United States | 12 comments

Alta snowboarder

Hate no more … snowboarders are set to mix seamlessly with skiers at Alta

Alta, one of the last skier-only enclaves in the United States, is set to open its lifts to snowboarders this season.

While the delayed season start – now slated for December 2 – was initially put down to a lack of snow, it is understood the resort is actually fine-tuning its policy to allow boarders on to the mountain.

Alta is even looking at offering free passes for anyone who brings a board on opening day.

After resisting calls to open up the mountain to the one-planked brethren for years and even fighting – and winning – a federal court lawsuit over the issue, the owners of the fabled powder-magnet believe it’s now time to join the 21st century following 77 years as ‘skier only’ resort.

An Alta communications spokesperson said snowboarders would now be welcome with open arms and treated as part of the riding community at the resort, particularly as modelling suggested the mountain could increase revenue by 46 per cent with them.

“We’ve been discriminating too long,” the spokesperson told The Snow Gauge.

“I mean, me personally I dislike snowboarders but I shouldn’t let that get in the way of resort operations and 40 per cent of the riding population having a good time.

“After all, I hate telemarkers, monoboarders, liberals from the coast, most Eastern Europeans and all Muslims but I manage to keep my own personal biases to myself without having to go on the public record about it.”

Alta insiders outlined some minor restrictions placed on ‘boarders only to “ensure the comfort of all guests and so that they are seamlessly accepted into the resort”. It is understood terrain open to snowboarders will be in the black boxed out zone as indicated in the new resort map below:

Alta Snowboarders

Alta officials say the area dedicated to snowboarders is much bigger than it appears on the map.

There is scope to increase the new designated ‘Board Zone’ by as much as 4 per cent for 2017/18 should things go well this season.

An extended cat track with a slight uphill section and small moguls course is being added to the zone in preparation for opening day.

At this stage any snowboarders found outside the ‘Board Zone’ will have their passes removed.

While not wanting to be seen as too heavy handed and pushing their new slogan ‘Equity for All-ta” resort management reluctantly pointed out that some other snowboarder infringements would also result in immediate pass confiscation including:

  • Wearing pants below the hips
  • Side-slipping in powder
  • Smoking marijuana (cocaine use is acceptable if accompanied by a Wall Street banker who skis)
  • Being heard using words such as “stoked”, “frothing”, “lit” or any “cork” not related to a 2010 or older Merlot.

A spokesperson for Deer Valley, along with Mad River Glen now the only resorts in the US that don’t allow snowboarding, said it would however be unlikely to follow suit.

“It’s simply not what our elderly and privileged white-bred clientele wants,” she said. “Instead of wasting money on snowboarding infrastructure we’ll be putting it towards well-overdue new skier facilities such as ‘helondolas’ – our new fleet of 250 helicopters which will shuttle skiers to the top of runs and a breeding pond for boneless salmon.”

Skier reaction at this stage appeared to be muted to the introduction of snowboarding at Alta.

“I never thought I’d see the day,” said skier Mike Brown from Provo. “But in a world where Donald Trump can become president, the left complains about the results of a fully-functioning democracy and Facebook will happily publish stories that aren’t true, I guess anything is possible.”

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12 Comments

  1. Haha, almost had me there Paul!!

  2. Hypocritical parody. I like how every anti-Alta production includes that idiotic video from the ’80s. The “Wasatch Equality” lawsuit was contrived by a small group of super-wealthy industry boarders with a stick up their ass about not being able to do whatever they want.

    • Unfortunately the only people that seem to be able to make a difference these days are “super wealthy industry (insiders) with sticks up their asses”…lots of boarders would like to be able to ride Alta but aren’t going to waste thier time trying to change the minds of old farts stuck in their ways. Is what it is, shits hilarious if you ask me

    • Wow you took this way to seriously.

  3. Hahaaa!… yeah – too bad boarder-access is still not happenin… but unfortunately, Alta can do what they want! I’ll ride the other 12 (?) resorts! 😉

  4. “After all, I hate telemarkers, monoboarders, liberals from the coast, most Eastern Europeans and all Muslims but I manage to keep my own personal biases to myself without having to go on the public record about it.”

    This is just so messed, I hope he gets booted from the resort management after those kinda statements

    • Best comment so far! I do get concerned about people’s bullshit radars from time to time …

      • A little harsh on the poor muslims guy

        We’lll spend our money elsewhere. No worries kooks

    • Agree

  5. Had me going for about four pars. Then you didn’t. Nice trolling

  6. Alta can’t allow snowboarders, when the land was given to the US Forest Service it was under explicit condition it would be used as a “Ski” resort… When snowboarding blew up they let the season pass holders vote weather to allow them and 96% said no thank you… Alta is all about side stepping and knarly traverses, post holing isn’t an viable option at a resort that sees over 500″ a season….. While they will let snowboarders on the slopes (usually from riding on Mt. Baldy) they won’t let them on the lifts.. Go next door to Snowbird they have more lifts that access very similar terrain without the need for the more versatility skis provide….

  7. So what do you call a Snowboarder in a suit???

    The Defendant.

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